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A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first
grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby
talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She
said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People'
words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied. "That's
WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and
said.........
"Winnie the SHIT"
grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby
talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She
said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People'
words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied. "That's
WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and
said.........
"Winnie the SHIT"
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is
squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and
whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite
itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to
phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does
this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly,
there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down
she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging
out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he
says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come
and pick me up from school."
squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and
whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite
itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to
phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does
this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly,
there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down
she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging
out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he
says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come
and pick me up from school."
A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being
picked on,
She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright
idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If
i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have
one?"
"ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said
91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright
take one"
As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can
guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"
picked on,
She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright
idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If
i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have
one?"
"ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said
91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright
take one"
As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can
guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to
know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his
boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door. Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks
him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. 'President Bush," his boss quickly
retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss
over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting but you
and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who
again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!"
says Dave. I've known the Pope for years."
So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican. Dave says,
"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you
what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the
balcony with the Pope."
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but
by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is
surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks
up and says, " It was the final straw you and the Pope came out on the balcony
and the man next to me said,
"Who the f*&k's that on the balcony with Dave?"
know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his
boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door. Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks
him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. 'President Bush," his boss quickly
retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss
over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting but you
and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who
again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!"
says Dave. I've known the Pope for years."
So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican. Dave says,
"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you
what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the
balcony with the Pope."
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but
by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is
surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks
up and says, " It was the final straw you and the Pope came out on the balcony
and the man next to me said,
"Who the f*&k's that on the balcony with Dave?"
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in
Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another
drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a
better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a
drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another
drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin,
there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they
buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you
in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in
Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another
drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a
better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a
drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another
drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin,
there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they
buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you
in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq
today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He
buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and
it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"
"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq
today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He
buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and
it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"
God and St. Peter were playing golf one day. St. Peter teed his
ball up and hit it. It was a real nice shot about three hundred
yards down the fairway.
Then God teed his ball up. He took a big swing and hit it.
At first it looked like a real nice shot. Then all of a sudden,
it hooked and started for the woods. Just before it went into the
woods, a bird flew out and grabbed the ball and flew over the
water trap and let it go.
Just before it went into the water, a turtle surfaced. The ball
landed on it's back as he swam to the shore. Just as the turtle
got to the shore, a squirrel ran out of the woods and grabbed the
ball. Then the squirrel ran up on the green and dropped the ball
in the cup.
St. Peter turned to God and said, "Are we gonna play golf, or are
you just gonna f**k around!!"
ball up and hit it. It was a real nice shot about three hundred
yards down the fairway.
Then God teed his ball up. He took a big swing and hit it.
At first it looked like a real nice shot. Then all of a sudden,
it hooked and started for the woods. Just before it went into the
woods, a bird flew out and grabbed the ball and flew over the
water trap and let it go.
Just before it went into the water, a turtle surfaced. The ball
landed on it's back as he swam to the shore. Just as the turtle
got to the shore, a squirrel ran out of the woods and grabbed the
ball. Then the squirrel ran up on the green and dropped the ball
in the cup.
St. Peter turned to God and said, "Are we gonna play golf, or are
you just gonna f**k around!!"
Please send your jokes or funny stories to
jokes@costalinkmagazine.com
jokes@costalinkmagazine.com
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